Infertility is a topic that is rarely discussed, but that affects one in eight couples. Chances are, if you are not struggling with infertility, you very likely know at least one person who is. This post is specifically written to a woman struggling with infertility. Through my 6 years of struggling with infertility, this is what I would say…

1. It’s not your fault.

You are not broken. God is not punishing you for your past mistakes. He is not against you. You did not do anything (or fail to do something) to cause this suffering. Some form of suffering happens to every human on the planet at some point in their lives because we live in a broken world ruled by evil and sin. But if you believe in Christ, you can rejoice that evil and brokenness will not win in the end.

2. God has not forgotten about you.

With every month that passes, baby shower invitation you turn down, friend who announces their pregnancy and then delivers their baby, it is easy to feel forgotten and left behind. It’s easy to feel stuck in the mud while the world continues to move forward, while you desperately struggle to break free. But you are not forgotten nor overlooked. God sees every aspect of your struggle. He sees every tear that escapes your eyes. He sees every moment you long for this to end. He is with you, always, and in all moments.

3. This is out of your control.

It sucks, I know. But it’s true. You do not have as much control over your situation as you would like to think. No matter how hard you try, calculate, time things, and pour money into procedures, you simply cannot control when or how a life is created. Life only comes from the Lord. As hard as it is to accept this truth, it is also pretty freeing to realize that you don’t have to be the one to carry this huge burden. Trust Christ to carry this burden for you. Your story may not (and likely will not) turn out how you planned, but relinquishing control can also bring so much beauty if you trust the One who is in control.

4. This does not define you.

It’s so easy to label yourself as “Infertile.” Please note I did not title this post as “10 Things I Would Say to an Infertile,” because that is not who you are. You are not defined by your circumstances or your suffering. Your circumstances and your roles in life will most certainly change over time, but your true identity in Christ, as His precious daughter, will never change. But your thoughts are more powerful than you may realize, so take careful effort to be aware of how you view yourself during your struggle. If you view yourself as a victim, as a broken woman, as a worthless person, then your heart and attitude will quickly follow. It’s up to you to choose to think differently about yourself, and to choose to see yourself how God already sees you: so precious, valuable, and loved that He gave His Son for you, just so He could call you His daughter.

5. Don’t compare journeys.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that “comparison is the thief of joy.” There is much truth and wisdom to this. Comparing your particular journey to another’s will do no good. Please understand there is a difference between relating to and feeling empathy towards others. But comparison occurs when you discount or elevate your journey when thinking of another’s journey. Thoughts like “Well, at least I didn’t have a miscarriage, so maybe I should just get over my sadness about my infertility” or “I’ve had three miscarriages and two failed IVFs, yet this woman has the audacity to complain about not getting pregnant after only a year of trying” only lead to self-centered thinking. Respect the uniqueness of each person’s story. God gifts us uniquely, and He writes a unique story for each of us.

6. There’s freedom in surrender.

If you can accept the truth that you do not have control over your situation, then you have taken the first step in surrendering. But there is another level to surrender: all of yourself. Steve McVey in The Grace Walk calls this brokenness. He defines brokenness as reaching the end of yourself. In other words, when you are trying your hardest to overcome a situation in your life, by your own self-efforts, then you are not depending on the Lord. You are depending on yourself. The moment you realize the futility in this, and choose to depend on Christ instead of yourself, is your moment of brokenness. I can assure you there is much freedom in making this choice. I finally reached a point in my journey where “I Quit” – I told God, for the first time truly meaning every word, “If I never get pregnant, I will be okay, I know You are still good. I trust You.” I finally trusted Him to make us parents however and whenever He wished. It was a very hard choice, but I never regretted making it.

7. Remember to see the heart behind insensitive comments.

It is inevitable that you will hear comments that are hurtful and insensitive. But it is imperative for your heart that you choose to extend grace to these people so that bitterness cannot take root. I encourage you to memorize and recite Ephesians 4:32 for moments such as these. Most people are not trying to hurt you (admittedly, some are, but this is likely rare). It is difficult for people to know what to say to someone who is suffering or hurting with something they have not experienced. But they mean well. They may say something that is the polar opposite of helpful, but their heart’s intention is to comfort and show love to you. If you feel bold, you can kindly take the opportunity to help educate others about infertility and encourage them about what is helpful and supportive to say. But at the very least, remember to give them some grace.

8. This season will end, someday, somehow.

All suffering will end one day because Christ conquered sin and will return one day to restore this broken world. But even before that day, your suffering will likely end or at least change. If you continue to depend on Christ through your suffering, you will not feel burdened by this for the rest of your life. It comes back to realizing where your true identity is found – in Christ alone. As you trust and depend on Him, your suffering begins to take a backseat. Not that you won’t ever feel saddened again, but your suffering will no longer rule your heart and mind. God’s plan for why you are experiencing this suffering may not yet be revealed. Remember Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” He is using your story for His good – you just need to keep trusting Him.

9. Actively seek the good in this.

Happiness is a feeling, but joy is a state of mind, or a choice. You can experience both sadness and joyfulness simultaneously. Joy is found by choosing to look for the ways that God is bringing good out of your journey. I promise there is good to be found, but you must choose to seek it out. You may need to start small: being thankful that it’s a new day, that you met a friend who also struggles with infertility. But if you keep practicing and seeking His goodness, your perspective will grow larger: a stronger marriage, a more mature character, a closer relationship with the Lord…all because of your struggle with infertility. Eventually you can reach a point where you are grateful for your struggle because of all the ways you’ve seen God bring good out of it, and you wouldn’t change a thing about what’s happened in your journey.

10. Don’t waste the waiting.

I do not enjoy waiting, and you likely do not either. It is especially difficult to wait for something your heart desires with no guarantees at the end or a time frame of how much longer you have to wait. But this time of waiting for your heart’s desire is every bit as precious as the desire itself. Don’t waste it by wallowing in your suffering. Instead, use this time to grow. Grow in every way you can: in your marriage, in your friendships, with your family, and most importantly with the Lord. When you have a tough day, cry out to the Lord. Lean on Him for all your needs and seek His peace and comfort. My husband has said for many years, “the blessing is not just the baby at the end of the trial, the blessing is the trial itself.”